#27: Isolationist Tendencies
Everyone is Hanging Out Without Me (and I’m fine with it)
Lately, all of our socially-distant socializing has had a manic, slightly feverish (excuse the analogy?) feel to it which, I think we can all agree, is absolutely appropriate. We are all well within our rights to freak the fuck out right now.
But while everyone is live-streaming their sourdough, Tik-Tok-ing their coffee, and Zooming their cocktails, I’m just…not that into it.
Or, okay, wait. I AM into it. Living abroad for the past several years, I am already well-acquainted with the deep comfort and gratitude of distant Hangouts with friends and family back home. The sweet notes of encouragement I get in reply to my fair-weather newslettering give me all the feels, and I’m not ashamed to admit that your DMs slide right into my heart.
It’s just that as a natural introvert I tend to find more solace in solitude than in socializing, and right now my instinct is to retreat into myself and into the pursuits that give me space for introspection. Honestly, I’m kind of a wallower who willingly engages with feelings of sadness, who likes to be alone with her thoughts, and often, just alone in general.
Depression is complex and nuanced, and I can’t claim to understand it (or even myself) enough to say what I experience is or isn’t that. But it is catharsis. Even when I go dark, there’s always a crack where the light gets in.
Whatever isolation looks like for you, chances are you have found yourself overcome with grief at times, perhaps unexpectedly, but certainly not inexplicably. Every day we are grappling with loss, personal and collective. Loss of life, loss of freedom, loss of control, loss of routine, loss of the millions of inconsequential human interactions that we dream of having the privilege to take for granted once again.
Wherever you go, there you are, and I’m not sure that could ever be more true than this very moment. Maybe you lean into your grief, like I do, or maybe you lean on others.
Either way, sourdough is totally here for us all.